


this can't go on forever

by lady_mab



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Other, Reincarnation, Spoilers, arranged candidacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 16:02:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13791180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_mab/pseuds/lady_mab
Summary: I hope the next time we meet, I am me and you are you once again, and these years and copies between us will meld into our chests to build an armor stronger than what we have been given.(in which cassander becomes the new candidate for liberty & discovery, in which chital has been born again and again)





	this can't go on forever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [harpydora](https://archiveofourown.org/users/harpydora/gifts).



> It's knowing that this can't go on forever/Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone/Maybe we'll get forty years together/But one day I'll be gone/Or one day you'll be gone

Divine Candidate Chital:  
You died again today.

You died and I am alone. I don't like this, being alone. 

I don't like that you can die so easily. A gunshot or old age. Because being paired with me tears your mind apart and there is nothing left for you but to break. 

We were in a firefight. In my cowardice, I did not protect you. 

In your stubbornness, you would not let me call for help. 

You died, and I am alone. I think that I want to be alone for a while now -- not because I didn't value your company, constant and ever-changing, always appearing at my side even when neither of us is the same. I think I will hide. 

I do not want another Candidate. I do not want to see you die again and again, to have to learn me again and again only to be lost.

You are always so fragile. I wish that I, too, could have no choice left but to break.

Goodbye, Chital. 

I hope the next time we meet, I am me and you are you once again, and these years and copies between us will meld into our chests to build an armor stronger than what we have been given. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
Do you ever wonder if there is something more for us? Bigger than the weight of a world or the fate of the galaxy -- something beyond the good of the people. 

Something that is for us and us alone? 

Or have the stars seen that already and decided, in their graciousness, to save us from the freedom of choice? 

These are things I wonder when you are gone and cannot ask them yourself. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
It has been.... many years. 

I thought I had lost all these previous logs when I abandoned my old form, but like nightmares, they have found their way back to me. Or they have never left, it is hard to tell. 

I thought, for a time, that I had been free -- of you, of this responsibility. I wonder how many times you were born again, only to live a long full life without me in it to cut it short. 

I wonder how many times you were born again, but thrust into some other position that cut your life so short that it did not even matter? 

She found me again. Grace, that is. There has been a war slowly brewing in the background, and despite the fact that she has larger things to worry about, and I have made myself too small to be of any consequence, she has found me again. 

She did not beg for me to return, as a tiny part of me hoped she would. The larger part hoped I would never be found. But she found me, and she did not beg, she did not ask, she did not give me the opportunity. 

Grace simply told me, "We have found you a new Candidate." 

A _new_ one. As if one could replace the hole that has been caused by every one before. A _new_ one, because it is not you. It cannot be you. (I dare not hold out any hope that it could be you, because I would not be able to bear it -- if it is, if it is not.) 

I did not think to ask her why there was a Candidate already elected before she found me, but I think I know the answer: I never was gone. She always knew right where I was. 

Even with this new body (you would laugh at if you saw it -- an old Automated Dynamics parking robot, which by this point, means nothing to you, as the company is young compared to me, and you are old and gone, but the shape of it is awkward and bulky and unassuming), even when disconnected from the Mesh and hiding from the Diaspora. She knew damn well where I was this whole time and let me have the liberty of thinking that I was free. 

She gave me coordinates, and I think.... I think that I will go. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
I met my new Candidate today. They are Apostolosian, features continuously pressed together in displeasure. They are a scion -- or they were. I do not pretend to understand how their royal family works. 

The important thing is that they were shipped off here, into Diasporan space, with the intention of forging an alliance and fighting in a war. 

I should think, perhaps, that they are not well liked at home. To be sent here at this time, for this express purpose. It means that no one cares should they not make it through this. 

I find that a little sad. 

Their name is Cassander Timaeus Berenice. They are the youngest. No one offered up any more information, and so I did not ask. 

They gave me a strange look when I arrived, and I know it is because I am currently in the form of a parking robot that is common on OriCon planets. I saw the look on the Apostolosian faces and I knew what they were thinking: 

_How is this supposed to help us?_

“Do not worry,” I was tempted to say. “I have asked myself the same question.” 

How am I expected to help turn the tides of a war?

Grace’s Candidate, Vicuna, is leading the mission. Have you ever met her? Not this one, no, but a Vicuna? They are not like you. Every time I have met them, they are someone different, but they are all a facet of Grace herself. 

I don’t know how I feel about the fact that they are all given the same name, when they are all different people. I suppose I shouldn’t feel anything. They are not my Candidate. They are not like you. 

I fear that Grace does not value them the same way that I value you. A relationship, a partnership. When her Candidate dies, does she mourn? 

Does she know how? 

I have been given a new Candidate that is not you, and I wonder if I will become like her -- uncaring, unattached, focused only on my attributes. For the good of the Diaspora. For the Golden Branch. 

I would rather not find out. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
There are more than just Grace’s retinue, myself, and the Apostolosians as a part of this plan. There are many others, and when I first met them, I found myself surprised at how many people are convinced that this plan will work.

A friend of mine is among them, though he has recently come into a Candidacy of his own. He goes by the name of Ibex now. He did not seem surprised to learn that I am a Divine, when I pretended so long to simply be Automated Dynamics. He is the one who started to call me AuDy, a nickname that I have taken to quite fondly when I am not being Liberty and Discovery. 

Perhaps it was Righteousness who told him who I am, and that is why he was not surprised. I wonder if Grace asked him to become a Candidate, or if he chose it on his own. I wonder if she told him about me, and that is why he decided.

I do not like the fact that he is here, because it makes me wonder what Grace is planning. 

He has brought a young OriCon pilot with him, a woman named Aria Joie who is apparently also a singer. I have not heard of her, but you know that I am not much one for music. But a lot of the others on the crew do know her, and she spends a lot of time smiling and laughing. She is, I believe, out to become friends with everyone. 

I aim to avoid her. I do not need one of the speeches she seems so fond of giving. 

Another interesting piece to the puzzle is a Stratus. You have never heard of them -- they are a new sort of… Class? They are new and different and they work for people who we do not like against things like me and Grace. 

This one is named Mako. He is loud, but always nervous. I think he talks loud to disguise how nervous he is. No one else seems to notice. I think no one else seems to pay him too much attention. 

He has fled from the enemy forces and found himself here, heading right back for them. 

I aim to avoid him as well. I do not trust what he can do. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
I have been on this ship a week, we have left the planet and are in the deep of space, and Grace has finally told me who it is she wishes me to fight.

Do you remember Rigour? 

Of course you do. How could you forget. I sometimes wonder how the entire galaxy could forget what Rigour is, and yet, they have managed to do so. 

The Strati aim to try and harness it. Mako, the one who fled, is apparently the only smart one. Though why he did not just run to the farthest corner of the star system and hide, I do not know. There must be some sort of bravery in him, if he is here. He keeps a brave enough face around the rest of us. Aria is quite fond of him. 

Grace tells me that she has had a new body constructed for me. Again, I am reminded of the painful fact that I was never truly free of my Divinity. 

For the whole week until this point, I was trying to figure out what exactly Grace was thinking when she sent us off on this mission. Why Ibex is here, who in my time of knowing him has not agreed with Grace’s ideals. Why he has brought Aria. Why Mako is here. 

Why we are trying to get along with the Apostolosians. 

But then she told us of Rigour. And everyone nodded, like it was just another thing to defeat. 

But I know. 

I know exactly what she means to do. 

She is leaving the ship, off to fight on her own front. What is that phrase? About rats abandoning a sinking ship? 

She means to leave us here to die. 

If we can defeat Rigour, which she most likely doubts, which I most definitely doubt, then that will be good. But if we do not, then that eliminates us from her list of concerns. 

Ibex and Righteousness, who do not agree with her. 

Aria Joie, who shouts of a united Golden Branch and looks to the future with stars in her eyes. 

Mako Trig, who could swallow his fear long enough to dig into her mind and break her apart, the way all Divines break their Candidates. 

Cassander Timaeus Berenice, scion of House Pelagios, decorated soldier among Apostolosian forces. 

And me, Liberty and Discovery, a Divine cowardly enough to hide for centuries, but too stubborn to make a sacrifice unless I am forced into it through trickery. 

She and I will both get what we want: She will be rid of me, and I will be dead. 

It is a matter of how many innocent lives are taken down with me, but from the flashes I have seen of her thoughts, Grace does not care. 

In all her graciousness, she has arranged for us a splendid funeral. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
Cassander, it seems, is not having a good time aboard the ship. They are struggling to figure out what their position is anymore. 

I suppose I cannot blame them. They are caught between being Apostolosian, and being a Candidate. This is a line which, until this point, has never been crossed. It has been a duality that no one has had to experience. 

They are socially awkward at the best of times, and this is not helping. 

They are no longer the heir, that much I know. They are still a scion, they are still a child of their people’s Apokine. And now they are confronted with a culture that has, until fairly recently, been at war against theirs. 

They are having to make a sacrifice that neither their people, nor their rivals, are willing to make. 

In a quiet moment, when the two of us were alone, Cassander asked me what it is like being two Divines. I did not have an answer then, but I have one now. 

My being two Divines is fundamentally different than Cassander being both a Scion and a Candidate. They are still one mind, one body, but now with warring sides struggling to be heard for their opinion. 

I am not quite two minds in one body. I am constantly struggling within myself. 

At the end of the day, Cassander only has themself to answer to. 

I have a compulsion, a name that describes who I am. I am Liberty. I am Discovery. I have to learn how to compensate for the differences in opinion between both. 

It is hard, far more difficult than I think they realize.

But… I do not envy Cassander for their position. The weight of the fate of two peoples is far heavier than the weight of the mind of two Divines. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
I do not think that Cassander’s mentor, Koda, approves of me, or approves of their scion being my Candidate. 

Which is fair. I do not much like them being my Candidate either, but we do what we must. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
Even though Cassander and I have been ignoring each other in solidarity, we have been near each other throughout most of this time. 

It has been nearly one month, and we still have yet to speak to each other beyond cursory investigations. 

Neither of us wants to be in the position that we are in, but Cassander knew the circumstances of the choice when they accepted their role. 

I did not. They understand my begrudging silence, and they let me have it. 

Most of the others aboard this ship give me a wide berth. If this is because the understand my reluctance or because they are scared of me, I have yet to parse, but I do not really think I care. Let them think what they will. 

I am not here to make them feel better about their choices. That is Cassander’s job. 

Several Apostolosians tried to confront me about my presence aboard their ship. They thought, perhaps, to gain their scion’s favor, or to defend their scion when they have not spoken up. 

As a people, are more fearless than I first gave them credit for. 

Cassander, it seems, also has more spunk than I first gave them credit for. 

They defended me in the face of their people, even if it was not necessary for them to have done so. I have been around for eons. I have seen the rise of the Apostolosian empire, and, I think, I shall perhaps see it fall too. I can handle a few insults from those posturing with importance. 

Instead, they spoke up on my behalf -- curt, diplomatic, yet not altogether polite. 

The others left, and the two of us were once again alone. 

“You did not have to do that,” I told them, and they gave me a shrug and a wry smile. 

“We are supposed to be cooperating here. What kind of Candidate would I be if I didn’t tell them to fuck off?” 

This is not the answer I expected from them, because it is not something that you would have said. I had to remind myself that they are not you, could not be you, but I should get to know them anyway. 

They are making an effort. I should as well. I cannot put blame on them because I am displeased with the turn of events. 

I surprised myself by offering them a chance to sit with me. 

They declined my invitation, but there was a degree of temptation in their gaze. “Another time, perhaps,” they said. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
I have found that, unsettlingly, they know me better than I know them. 

They gave me a chance for freedom. They told me what I already knew (there are escape pods on the lower deck, that this is a suicide mission, that we are all just floating in space to the jaws of Rigour). They said it with a degree of indifference that I find curious. 

They are resigned to stay here, regardless of who else leaves. I do not think they do it because they fancy themself a hero. They do it because they must. 

They do it for their people, before anyone else. They do it for the Golden Branch, before anyone else. 

I wonder if they’ve been listening to Aria’s pretty speeches about unity and a perfect star sector, or if this is something they have always thought. 

Sitting there beside them, watching the stars swirl in endless patterns and tell stories that have long since been forgotten, I considered their offer. Inside me, Liberty thrashed and screamed, begging to be free once again -- to be truly free. We would go farther than before, we will split up, we will do everything we could to avoid detection by Grace. 

And now that we knew Rigour still lived…. 

Liberty would burn this entire star sector if it meant escaping it. 

But there was something in Cassander’s quiet confidence, in the fact that they offered the escape route, that made me say ‘no’. 

I will not be the reason that these people lose hope. 

Besides, Discovery is curious to see how this plays out. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
There is not much for me to do at this stage. I cannot transfer to the new body that Grace had made for me, because it will alert Rigour to our presence. We are meant to be a quiet strike team, we are meant to detain if not destroy it. 

Cassander trains in a smaller copy, and I watch with Ibex. They practice against several other Diasporan or Apostolosian pilots. They practice against Aria, zipping through space in her Panther.

Cassander commands troops through simulations with a firm hand, and when they speak, everyone listens. No matter which ‘side’ they are when they boarded this ship, they all respond to Cassander now. 

They are a soldier. You have been many things, but never a soldier like this. They have been a Scion, a soldier, a doctor, and now a Candidate. They have been trained for war. You have had it thrust upon you.

I am glad that you are not here now. This is no place fo you. We should be exploring the stars together, free from obligation or restraint. 

Instead, I am here. Instead, I wait patiently for the time where I will once again be given form and told to face down the pulse in my head. I do not dream, but I think that if I did, Rigour would be there. 

Always there. 

Waiting. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
There is something beautiful about the way they pilot the test suit. It is not the same sort of fluid motion that Aria displays in the Panther, or that I have seen within recent memory. 

They are all brute strength and awkward movements as they learn the system. This new mech is no Colossi, it is a Divine. There is some give and take between a Divine consciousness and their pilot. 

Cassander compensates for my absence with cunning. They do not force the mech into maneuvers that would be unwise, like I have seen Aria do in training. There is only one mind, where there should be two in a Divine, and they understand this. 

They wait, they observe, and then they act. 

And when they strike, it is with precision. 

I think you would like them, if you met them. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
I saw them laugh for the first time today. We've been together on this ship for a little over two months, and in all that time, I have not seen much emotion from them beyond annoyance or indifference. 

They laughed at a joke that Mako told. I was across the hanger, observing the new vessel, listening to their conversation, when it suddenly rang out. 

Their laugh was not like your laughs -- the private chuckle meant for me alone, the breathy guffaw, the elated giggles, any of your laughs. This one filled their chest with sound, rocked their entire body as they threw their head back. 

They looked at me as they did so, and for a moment, I saw you in their smile. 

I cannot tell you what happened after that, because I left the hanger. I could not stand to see them with your smile, even though I knew. 

I tried to ignore it but I knew. 

You've returned to me again. 

In that moment, I felt a lot of things -- a lot of things that a Divine shouldn't. Hatred (for you, for them, for myself, for Grace), fear (for you, of losing you, of finding you again), warmth (you, you, you). I think, for just a little bit, I loved them as I loved you. 

You'll forgive me, I hope, for saying that. For keeping you separate from them. They are still Cassander, and you are still you. You are all Chital. You are all my Candidate. But they are still Cassander first, and for just a little bit, I saw them as you. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
I did not think… I did not _hope_ that I would find you again. 

Even now, I question it. It has been weeks since then, but I get hints of your presence. I was blind for not being able to see it before, and now I cannot unsee it. 

The tick of their head when they’re listening. The way that they can’t quite cover their mouth quickly enough when covering a smirk. The softness of their voice when consoling someone. 

The way their eyes light up when they see me. 

Chital, I do not want them to be you. 

I do not want them to be another in a line that I lose. I have come to value their friendship as we bonded over a shared fate. I have come to value their leadership as they keep a calm head in the face of this fate. 

I do not want them to be another in a line that I could hurt. We will not be able to test my new form until the zero hour. What if something goes wrong. What if I am merely seeing you in them, when you are not there? What if, despite my precautions and hesitations, I still am the cause of their destruction? 

What if I flee in the face of Rigour, remembering the terror I have felt only ever in its presence. Will they forgive me, as you would, or would they detest me, as you should? 

If I stay….

Then what? 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
Cassander is opening up more -- to the mix of people on this ship, to me. They wear a smile more easily now. When they were first on this ship, they frowned at everything, and I could not imagine how I was supposed to think of them as my Candidate, when you had always been so full of determination. 

Since then, I have learned that it is a different sort of devotion that motivates them. Their friendship with Aria and Mako, which I have always thought odd, is now a collection of three people who are scared and cast out. They have accepted me into their trio, and they call me AuDy. 

I have not been called that since Attar became Ibex. I have not been called that since Grace had found me. 

They have accepted me as a friend, and I do not know how to act like one. 

Cassander smiles more, even as we draw closer to the red line. 

There is a freedom for them here that they could not find in Apostolos. That they could not find on the battlefield. 

This life suits them. I dare not think that I suit them but… I feel myself warming at their presence -- as much as I can. I am a Divine, I am a body made of metal. A part of me yearns to be away from here, but more and more, I find that part being left further behind.

I find myself wanting to remain here at Cassander’s side. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
Cassander has finished training. We are nearing our destination. 

The weight of Rigour looms on the horizon for everyone on the ship, but I can feel it vibrating inside my skull. 

It will know we are here once I retake a Divine body. 

This is our last moment for solace. 

I will offer them the peace that they first offered me. _There are escape pods on the lower deck._ But when I was tempted to leave by cowardice, I am now motivated by fear. 

Do not let them die. 

Do not let me fail them again. 

Do not let me fail you, Chital. 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
I told them that I did not want them to die. I sat beside them and I confessed the thing that has plagued me for centuries. 

Do you remember the first time you found these logs? I was afraid. I was so afraid of you learning about who came before you, that you were not the first, that you would realize that you would not be the last. I feared the fact that you would not be who you had been before reading them. 

In a quiet voice, you asked me questions about every one of them. And when I had finally run out of words, and could do nothing but describe yourself to you in emotions and images, you pressed your hand against me and pressed a kiss to the metal. 

That is when I think I first loved you. 

I tell you this because the feelings for you repeat. One after another, no matter who you are in your next life, you will always find your way back to me. 

I am more afraid now than I have ever been. 

There are so many things that could go wrong. 

I could be split. Liberty could make the mad dash they have always so desired. Discovery could be trapped in this old form. I could become broken, I could lose a piece of myself, the piece that remembers you. 

It has been so long since I’ve had a proper form that I am afraid. There’s the promise of freedom that it will bring, there is the trepidation of power that I have long since cast off. 

Would you hate me if I ran? You will not, so what if I did? What if I took your offer from all that time ago, Cassander, and I fled? Would you give up? Would you understand that now, I do it for you, more than I do it for myself? 

Cassander. Cass. What are our odds of defeating this? 

* * *

Divine Candidate Chital:  
On second thought, I was wrong. I have realized that I would know your touch anywhere. 

Chital. _Cass._ Please. I could not bear it if I were to lose you again. 

I would not blame you if you turned away. 

After tomorrow, there is no going back. 

Make sure that you do not regret this, and I will do my best to the same. 

* * *

Cassander, the Divine Candidate Chital:  
Cass, do not be scared. I won't fail you as I have failed before. I have taken my mistakes and I have learned from them -- Aria says that is what makes one human, and though I am a Divine, I think I should learn a thing or two from humans. Or Apostolosians. 

I will learn many things from you. 

Soon, you will learn many things -- about me, about yourself. I hope you do not think less of me for having kept this from you. 

I look forward to knowing you again, as I have known you before. I have enjoyed getting to know you as you are now. 

Cass, do not be scared. Remember: we have beaten our worse days.

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY DORA (HEART EMOJI BUT HUGE) thanks for getting me on the cass/audy train with you


End file.
